A small step towards emancipation...

For the past several days, I've been placed under restriction by my parents for about a month.
No, this isn't the type of restriction that they don't really enforce...
This is MAJOR LOCKDOWN. haha.

I haven't been able to talk on the phone, or go to any places that I could possibly have fun at.
For those of you who really know me, you're probably wondering what could I have done to deserve such a punishment.
I won't tell you what I did, but I will tell you that it's something I'm regretting not because of the restriction my parents have put on me, but because all the people who I have disappointed and pushed away, are somewhat affected by my actions.
I mean, they're probably not really affected but the way they see me now is a view of myself that I never wanted to portray.
What I did, was something I never wanted to do, and how I acted was a side of me I never thought I had.

People always said that one day, I'll be like them, but I always told them that I would never steep that low.
Well, I have steeped lower than any of them.
I suppose they were right, and I was never strong enough to hold myself up.
If anyone's listening, I'm sorry.

"Never Ignore A Dying Sister"

"How can you spare someone's feelings by denying them?"
-Tuesdays With Morrie
I should have remembered this line when my teacher was very sick. She needed an ambulance when we were in class, so I called 911.
I know that seems like I've done the best thing for her, but I feel like I should have done more.
After I called the ambulance, we still had to get through the wait.
She sat there looking like she was going to pass out at any moment.
She was crying. Putting her head down every 10 seconds.
I have never been in a situation like this when someone just tells you out of the blue, "Someone, call the ambulance for me."
There was one student comforting her, and two aids.
I wanted to stand there next to her, but my pride got in the way.
The whole class didn't know what to do, so they talked.
It was very odd. I was blanking out.
She could die at any second, and we were all sitting there not paying attention to her.
I wish I could have rubbed her back, or held her hand.

I don't think anybody wanted to look at her, or touch her.
We were afraid.
The class was escorted out in to the outer hallway.
My teacher was taken to the hospital.
I wondered how much of her feelings were spared by us denying it.

Grandma can be my refuge.

I'm 16 years old. I am about as religious as Jamie on A Walk To Remember, but not as humble.

I used to dread going to my grandma's house. Her house was not air conditioned. It was small.

She didn't have cable. There was no computer. There was no internet.

It wasn't exactly the most exciting place in the world.

I was very selfish.

I would always think, "What the heck's the purpose for us to come here?"

We were there to visit my grandma, ofcourse. Her. Not comment people on Myspace, or watch the latest episode of One Tree Hill.

I never appreciated her and the things she did for me.

Ever since I started elementary school, she would take care of me after school had ended, and my parents would pick me up at her house after they got off from work.

She would pick me up in her old, white, Toyota pick-up truck. I remember I was so ashamed of it, not necessarily her. I just hated getting into it. She stopped picking me up, and I would ride the bus to her house from school. She lived about 5 minutes away from my house.

I would beg my parents to let me stay home by myself after school, but they wouldn't let me. They thought it was unsafe. They would lock the house in the morning, and i would have to go to my grandma's house because I had no choice.

I never really talked to my grandma. We didn't really have a good grandmother-granddaughter relationship. I felt like we would never talk like we loved eachother because she never actually said I love you to me, and I never exactly showed affection. I was a whiny, spoiled brat. I didn't care about her. I didn't care what happened to her.

I felt like she didn't really care for me either. Whenever my other cousins would come over, she would be so excited, and she would tell them she loved them, and she would hug them. She never hugged me, and when I came home, she wasn't jumping for joy, or smiling with excitement. She wasn't that kind of grandma who asked you, "How was your day honey?" or "Did you have a nice day today?"

I wasnt the type of kid to say "Hi Grandma! I missed you!" or copmlain to her about the mean kids at school. She wasn't a refuge for me.

We just weren't close, and I don't know if she cared, but I did. I started to feel like she didn't love me, and that it wasn't normal for her to treat me the way she did. I I

Now that I'm in high school, and now that I'm seeing what selfishness is, and what it can make you think and do, I've realized how horrible I am. Maybe the reason why my grandma kind of resented me was because I never showed that I appreciated her. I don't remember ever saying thank you to her with feeling.

I've decided I wanted to change that. Now I talk to her more. I ask her how she's feeling, and what did she do today. I tell her jokes, and even though it was only once, I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too, with a lot of enthusiasm I might add!

My Abortion Poem: Glob of Tissue

Glob of Tissue - The Old One (with edits)
My mom is 3 weeks pregnant and she wants to procure an abortion. Great. Another death in my family. The only difference is this is expected. You see, my father suddenly died when i was six and that hurt more than sticks and stones could ever hurt. My mother was kicked to the dirt because of his death and since then her mind was bent and impaired.
It's been a week since i found out about the pregnancy. She sat me down and told me her conspiracy. She said, "I can't handle it. I can't mother it.
Besides, it's just a fetus, just a clump
of cells, just a glob of tissue.
Silence enfolded us like the zig-zag that enfolds the tobacco leaves she still smokes even though she knows she's pregnant.
And i began to realize the message that she sent.
She called my baby brother or sister an IT. So was that all I was? I shouted at her. At her attempted murder. She said it was legal in this society, but I said it's just not right in human nature.
She said that the fetus can't reason or interact,
so it's not really a person. I pondered this for a while and said, so since a person in a coma can't reason or interact, then he or she is not really a person at all. And whatever that mentally retarded person is, might as well be killed. same as a person who's too mentally retarted to even understand anything,
and it's the same damn thing
when i'm sleeping at night dreaming, because i'm not interacting or reasoning. SO I SHOULD BE KILLED TOO MOM. She started to get pissed as i dissed her freedom, but mom, look at this wonderful strong girl you've decided to bring into this world.
I can sing, i can dance, i can draw, and i can write. I have more friends than i do enemies. I have a 94% GPA, and people tell me, "Girl, you've got potential."
So think about the POTENTIAL
YOU'RE HOLDING INSIDE OF YOU. The next
GHANDI,
MARTIN LUTHER KING,
MOTHER TERESA,
or
BARACK OBAMA
(funny how barack obama is for abortion) i just hate it that i have to remind you, once upon a time 15 years ago
I...
was once that
GLOB OF TISSUE.